Mighty Fine Macaroni Salad

I'm probably moving too fast for all of you, but I was going to make macaroni salad, and seeing a photo op, decided to fast forward about 3 years when you can actually cut things up.

Here goes...hang on.
Pasta salad is like potato salad.  Everyone has their own idea about what goes in it.
I put mustard in my potato salad once, and hubby almost had a stroke.  "My mother NEVER put mustard in her potato salad!"  Refer back to my last post on "Money, Sex and Food."  I forgot to mention that the sex part refers to, you will never have sex again if you utter that phrase about your mother's cooking.
So, my ingredients are just a guideline.  You may have your own thoughts about the appropriate items, but this should get you started.
You need:
     A 16 ounce box of macaroni...I don't care what shape...yes macaroni does come in a variety of shapes.     Deal with it.
     Mayonnaise...the nectar of the gods
     A big hunk of cheddar cheese.
     Some celery
     An onion
     A big hunk (a pound is nice) of salami
     Some olives...can be black or green...personal choice
     Salt and pepper

Put on your protective gear.  We're boiling water.  Get a largish pan and fill it with water, but not to the top.  Leave at least 3 inches clearance.  More about that in a sec.  Sprinkle a little salt in the water and turn the heat up to high.  Let the water get to a boil....which means there are rolling bubbles...just like when you were a kid in the bath tub, only many more.

Dump in the macaroni.  Stir it a little cause it likes to clump together.
See how the water is getting dangerously close to the top of the pan?  Any second now, you're going to have water pouring over the side of the pan and down in the burner.  You can do one of two things.  Turn the heat down or just stand there and watch it with your mouth slightly open.  It's like a science fair project gone bad, huh?
This is why you don't fill it all the way to the top.

The box says to boil for 8 minutes.  Don't walk away and play a video game.  Stir it a couple of times because I already told you it likes to stick together.
See how now it is plumping up?  That little box of macaroni has grown and you're going to have more than you know what to do with.
When the 8 minutes are up...get back here...you need to drain it.
I'm not going to show you a picture, because I can't find it, so get a drainer/colander...the thing with the holes in it...and dump the macaroni in there.  Rinse it with cold water to cool it down and rinse some of the starch off.  Don't ask questions.  Just assume I know what I'm doing.

Now to the hard work.  Time to cut things up.  Take a look at your fingers before the accident.  Only kidding.  You'll be just fine.
You can buy one onion at the grocery store and unless you plan on cooking up a storm this week, don't get a bag of them.  They turn mushy and become that mystery item in your cupboard that trickles down the shelves.  Buy a yellow or white onion.  It's all good.
Here, I've cut off the ends.

Now, I've cut it in half and have started to take that brown layer off.  You don't want to eat that because....I don't know why, actually, but peel it off with your fingers.

Now you have to cut the onion into small pieces.  You probably don't want to bite into huge hunks of onion, so make them somewhat small.
My method is to cut them into slices lengthwise and....

Then I turn the onion and cut the slices the other way and voila!  It falls apart into little pieces.

There you have it.  Now dump them in a large bowl and I mean a large bowl.  This recipe gets out of hand after you put everything together.

Now we have to chop up the celery.  Will the agony never end?
You need to wash the celery because it will have dirt on it.  Take it over to the sink, run water over it, rub your fingers over it, until it looks clean to you.  Or better yet, until your mother would think it's clean.  I've seen your rooms.

Cut the nasty ends off and look at these sweet little stalks of celery.  Just like going to Buffalo Wild Wings.  As a matter of fact, why don't you take the rest of the celery, clean it, and dip it in blue cheese dressing?  Anything tastes good in blue cheese dressing.

On to the chopping.

Chop 3 stalks of celery up into little pieces.  I don't care how you do it.  Be creative.

Dump it in the bowl.

On to the manly ingredient...salami.  You get a hunk of it in the deli section.  You need to talk to one of the ladies in a hair net and ask her for a pound hunk.  It's o.k.  It's what they do.

Bet you already knew that you have to cut this up too.  Go for it.  Make the pieces any size you want as long as it fits in your mouth.

Dump in bowl.

You need to cut up the hunk of cheddar too, but I think you are getting the idea.
Isn't this great?
Hubby asked for green olives in his macaroni salad, so I bought a jar of them that were already sliced.  I didn't worry about draining all of the liquid off them since the olive juice adds flavor, but I did drain some.
You could just dump the olives on top of the macaraoni that's still sitting in the colander.  Remember the macaroni?  It's been a while.

We're in the home stretch now.  Before you dump the macaroni into the bowl, add a cup of mayo.  If you were looking at the first photo, you might have noticed that my mayo was made with olive oil.  Hubby is probably in shock right now, but it adds a fantastic taste to the salad.  Use what you want.

I even added a tablespoon of sugar to the bowl, just to add a slightly sweet taste.  You can add some mustard....as you remember, I risk a fuming, spitting husband if I try it.  Add some salt and pepper.  By the way, it is o.k. to taste things as you go.  And finally, add the macaroni.

Stir it up, take a taste, stir some more, add more salt if it needs it, taste some more, maybe more mustard, stir some more, taste it....Hey, it's up to you.

Oh, and another thing.  Let this sit in the refrigerator over night.  You can sneak a small bowlful, cause I just did, but it really tastes much better when it is cold through and through.  Be patient.

I have to warn you that this makes an industrial size bowl of macaroni salad.  This would be good for the 4th of July picnic you're going to.  Everyone will be impressed or secretly wondering if you spend too much time alone.  I also have to warn you not to leave it outside at the picnic.  Mayonnaise and the hot sun do not mix.  It won't take long before the party adjourns to the emergency room.

Remember, it's up to you what ingredients you leave out or add.  I'm thumbs down for anchovies but a big thumbs up for cherry tomatoes.  Chocolate?  Not so much.  Snow peas, green pepper, artichoke hearts...I could be persuaded.  Just have fun.  And be careful with those fireworks!