Mighty Fine Macaroni Salad

I'm probably moving too fast for all of you, but I was going to make macaroni salad, and seeing a photo op, decided to fast forward about 3 years when you can actually cut things up.

Here goes...hang on.
Pasta salad is like potato salad.  Everyone has their own idea about what goes in it.
I put mustard in my potato salad once, and hubby almost had a stroke.  "My mother NEVER put mustard in her potato salad!"  Refer back to my last post on "Money, Sex and Food."  I forgot to mention that the sex part refers to, you will never have sex again if you utter that phrase about your mother's cooking.
So, my ingredients are just a guideline.  You may have your own thoughts about the appropriate items, but this should get you started.
You need:
     A 16 ounce box of macaroni...I don't care what shape...yes macaroni does come in a variety of shapes.     Deal with it.
     Mayonnaise...the nectar of the gods
     A big hunk of cheddar cheese.
     Some celery
     An onion
     A big hunk (a pound is nice) of salami
     Some olives...can be black or green...personal choice
     Salt and pepper

Put on your protective gear.  We're boiling water.  Get a largish pan and fill it with water, but not to the top.  Leave at least 3 inches clearance.  More about that in a sec.  Sprinkle a little salt in the water and turn the heat up to high.  Let the water get to a boil....which means there are rolling bubbles...just like when you were a kid in the bath tub, only many more.

Dump in the macaroni.  Stir it a little cause it likes to clump together.
See how the water is getting dangerously close to the top of the pan?  Any second now, you're going to have water pouring over the side of the pan and down in the burner.  You can do one of two things.  Turn the heat down or just stand there and watch it with your mouth slightly open.  It's like a science fair project gone bad, huh?
This is why you don't fill it all the way to the top.

The box says to boil for 8 minutes.  Don't walk away and play a video game.  Stir it a couple of times because I already told you it likes to stick together.
See how now it is plumping up?  That little box of macaroni has grown and you're going to have more than you know what to do with.
When the 8 minutes are up...get back here...you need to drain it.
I'm not going to show you a picture, because I can't find it, so get a drainer/colander...the thing with the holes in it...and dump the macaroni in there.  Rinse it with cold water to cool it down and rinse some of the starch off.  Don't ask questions.  Just assume I know what I'm doing.

Now to the hard work.  Time to cut things up.  Take a look at your fingers before the accident.  Only kidding.  You'll be just fine.
You can buy one onion at the grocery store and unless you plan on cooking up a storm this week, don't get a bag of them.  They turn mushy and become that mystery item in your cupboard that trickles down the shelves.  Buy a yellow or white onion.  It's all good.
Here, I've cut off the ends.

Now, I've cut it in half and have started to take that brown layer off.  You don't want to eat that because....I don't know why, actually, but peel it off with your fingers.

Now you have to cut the onion into small pieces.  You probably don't want to bite into huge hunks of onion, so make them somewhat small.
My method is to cut them into slices lengthwise and....

Then I turn the onion and cut the slices the other way and voila!  It falls apart into little pieces.

There you have it.  Now dump them in a large bowl and I mean a large bowl.  This recipe gets out of hand after you put everything together.

Now we have to chop up the celery.  Will the agony never end?
You need to wash the celery because it will have dirt on it.  Take it over to the sink, run water over it, rub your fingers over it, until it looks clean to you.  Or better yet, until your mother would think it's clean.  I've seen your rooms.

Cut the nasty ends off and look at these sweet little stalks of celery.  Just like going to Buffalo Wild Wings.  As a matter of fact, why don't you take the rest of the celery, clean it, and dip it in blue cheese dressing?  Anything tastes good in blue cheese dressing.

On to the chopping.

Chop 3 stalks of celery up into little pieces.  I don't care how you do it.  Be creative.

Dump it in the bowl.

On to the manly ingredient...salami.  You get a hunk of it in the deli section.  You need to talk to one of the ladies in a hair net and ask her for a pound hunk.  It's o.k.  It's what they do.

Bet you already knew that you have to cut this up too.  Go for it.  Make the pieces any size you want as long as it fits in your mouth.

Dump in bowl.

You need to cut up the hunk of cheddar too, but I think you are getting the idea.
Isn't this great?
Hubby asked for green olives in his macaroni salad, so I bought a jar of them that were already sliced.  I didn't worry about draining all of the liquid off them since the olive juice adds flavor, but I did drain some.
You could just dump the olives on top of the macaraoni that's still sitting in the colander.  Remember the macaroni?  It's been a while.

We're in the home stretch now.  Before you dump the macaroni into the bowl, add a cup of mayo.  If you were looking at the first photo, you might have noticed that my mayo was made with olive oil.  Hubby is probably in shock right now, but it adds a fantastic taste to the salad.  Use what you want.

I even added a tablespoon of sugar to the bowl, just to add a slightly sweet taste.  You can add some mustard....as you remember, I risk a fuming, spitting husband if I try it.  Add some salt and pepper.  By the way, it is o.k. to taste things as you go.  And finally, add the macaroni.

Stir it up, take a taste, stir some more, add more salt if it needs it, taste some more, maybe more mustard, stir some more, taste it....Hey, it's up to you.

Oh, and another thing.  Let this sit in the refrigerator over night.  You can sneak a small bowlful, cause I just did, but it really tastes much better when it is cold through and through.  Be patient.

I have to warn you that this makes an industrial size bowl of macaroni salad.  This would be good for the 4th of July picnic you're going to.  Everyone will be impressed or secretly wondering if you spend too much time alone.  I also have to warn you not to leave it outside at the picnic.  Mayonnaise and the hot sun do not mix.  It won't take long before the party adjourns to the emergency room.

Remember, it's up to you what ingredients you leave out or add.  I'm thumbs down for anchovies but a big thumbs up for cherry tomatoes.  Chocolate?  Not so much.  Snow peas, green pepper, artichoke hearts...I could be persuaded.  Just have fun.  And be careful with those fireworks!

Money, Sex and Food

Awwww...you're in love and you can't wait to live together. Playing house will be so much fun.  You can make meals together.  On Sunday mornings you'll take turns fixing each other breakfast in bed. 

Wait a minute until I catch my breath and wipe away the tears.  I haven't laughed so hard in years.

I'm going to be sexist, but I can't help it.  Here's what's going to happen.  The first month or two, he's going to make bacon, eggs, and hash browns, covered with ketchup. He will probably mush it all together.  You will think he's sooooo cute and you will make a mental note to work out 30 minutes longer to rid yourself of those nasty calories.  He worked so hard and you can't let him down.

Fast forward a few months.  You come downstairs and he's making his famous breakfast.  All you can see is the grease all over the pans and counter.  There's probably some on the ceiling too.  It's going to take you hours to clean this mess up since he certainly isn't going to do it.  And you know what?  Those breakfasts of his just make you feel sluggish, fat, and bloated.  As a matter of fact, lover boy is getting a little paunchy around the middle.

I have to be fair so let's see this from the other side. The love of your life comes downstairs for one of your gourmet, healthy, spinach quiches.  He smiles.  He resists grabbing the ketchup.  He cleans his plate.  He expresses his appreciation for your efforts to keep both of you fit and cholesterol free.  He's happy because you love him and haven't bolted out the door yet.

Wait, wait....time passes.  He struggles out of bed, looks in the kitchen, sees evidence of egg whites and a green vegetable and panics.  There must be meat this morning.  Must have meat.  What to do?  "Honey, I'm so sorry, you've gone to so much work for us, but I promised Jerry that I would stop by his place to help him fix his shower.  I'll  be gone just a few minutes.  You can put mine in the trash fridge.  Love ya!"  Gotta get to McDonald's before they stop serving breakfast.   Ummmmm, Egg McMuffin.

This is the cold, hard truth.  He wants to eat like this.  He wants a tub of something covered in mayonnaise, and he wants to eat it out of the container.

And she, even though she may occasionally sneak a spoonful of ice cream out of the carton, is thinking of 14 healthy ways to fix carrots.  She may even be signing up for "Cooking Light" magazine.  I see a "Summer Lemon-Vegetable Risotto" in your future.  Did ya know?  Only 395 calories a serving.

And you thought most relationships broke up over sex or money.  Well, you can add food to the mix.

Not all relationships end up like Romeo and Juliet, but if they had just gone out for pizza, things might have turned out better.

Many years ago, I thought I had met the love of my life.  Everything was great, if you didn't count all of the times he hit on my roommates, but the final straw was food.  I opened his refrigerator and there sat a package of tongue.  An organ meat.  Something that should never be eaten.  Then he boiled it.  I saw it in the pot....boiling.  It looked like a horror movie, and then he sliced it for sandwiches.  How could this ever work?  It didn't.  Maybe it wasn't the tongue that did it, but it certainly pushed me over the edge.

Then there's the "That's not how my mother makes it.," which is guaranteed to end up badly.  Or,
when it's his turn to cook for the family he orders out, which is against the rules.  If you work hard to make healthy meals after working all day, then so should he.

The ex would stick his nose in the casserole, and I mean "in" the casserole, eye it suspiciously, poke at it, and finally, take a tentative bite.  No comments.  Just slurping. That was a relationship builder.

My darling hubby came into our relationship with four meals he liked and expected to be rotated throughout the week...pork chops (always with asparagus and rice), hamburgers, chili and spaghetti.  I came into our relationship with a love of reading recipes and never making the same thing twice.  We've worked it out.  I do most of the cooking and occasionally I let him make one of his four specialties.

It's all worked out pretty good. He's learned that he likes lots of different foods.  Duh....Do you think this was part of his plan?  Do you think he knew that if he only fixed four things, it would force me into doing the majority of the cooking? 

Just when I thought I knew about relationships.  I wonder what would happen if I bought a tongue?

Corn on the Cob

Corn on the cob with butter and salt....life doesn't get much better or much easier.

This little guy is smiling because he is eager to get in that microwave and into your stomach.

Yes, we're using the microwave.  Boiling a pot of water is way too much work, and I'm not sure you're ready for that yet.

So you know that this is how corn looks in its natural state, right?  Minus the smiley face, of course.

Only buy as many ears as you think you can eat in a day or two.  You can get them already stripped clean in a package or you can go old school and do it yourself.  It's cheaper if you put a little effort into it and take the husks off yourself.

See how hairy this guy is?  You don't want to eat this so try to pick most of the silk, the technical term, off.

Don't whine.  You're only eating 2 or 3 of these things.  Get at it.

Just take a couple of sections of paper towel, get it wet, squeeze the water out and wrap it around the corn until it looks like a strange burrito.


Leave the corn on the plate and microwave for 4 minutes.  If you're making two ears, do 5 minutes.

That's it!   Can you believe it?  This will be pretty hot, so try to hold off.  Losing the skin  off the roof of your mouth is worse than a paper cut.

If you search the internet, you'll find some other ways to microwave corn.  They're all good and they're all easy.  That's the way we like it.


Just a few more words about corn.  My favorite variety is silver queen, which is the white corn.  It's juicy and tender.  The yellow variety always reminds me of what they feed cattle.  Not that I would know. 

Most importantly, when they start selling corn at the road side stands, buy local.  The corn you just bought in the store hasn't seen Mother Earth in a long, long time.  Have fun, wipe the butter off your chin and clean the kitchen.  Make your mother proud.

Chicken Paste?

If you read the side bar on my blog, you already know that chicken paste was the inspiration for this blog.  And you've probably already figured out that it doesn't take much to inspire me.  The chicken paste question will haunt me until I can no longer lift a sauce pan.  Why were those young ladies looking for chicken paste and what the heck is it?

Of course I searched the internet, the answer to all of life's questions, and this is what I found.  Oh yes, if you were getting ready to eat, you might want to read this later.

There you have it.  Chicken paste in all of its creepy, alien like quality.  If you want to know more, and of course you would, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/04/mechanically-separated-meat-chicken-mcnugget-photo_n_749893.html.

I don't get it.  In a country of blatant waste, someone felt compelled to scrape pieces of meat off bones and probably the meat processing plant floor to produce "food products" that get stuffed into the small intestines of sheep.

Oh, all right.  I am alarming you needlessly.  Today's hot dogs are not made out of chicken paste nor are they stuffed into intestines, and who thought of this in the first place?

"Hey Mitch...what should we do with all of those sheep intestines laying around?"

"Oh, I don't know.  Why don't you scrape that pulp off the meat extruder and shove it in them.  Drunks at baseball games will eat anything."

I would advise, though, that you stick with well known brands of hot dogs.  The guys over at Ptomaine Packaging may have good prices, but what corners did they cut?

 On a more pleasant topic, still got some of that pepperoni and pizza sauce in the refrigerator?  Here's a little snack that could substitute for a meal.

Get some flour tortillas at Kroger.  They're in the same aisle with the pizza sauce and the pseudo Mexican food.  Put one of the tortillas on a plate, spread pizza sauce on it, put some pepperoni on that and then sprinkle with shredded mozzarella...did I tell you to get some shredded mozzarella?  You should always have some on hand. 

Roll the tortilla up the best you can.  Again, pretty doesn't really matter when you're hungry.  Microwave on a plate for a minute, kind of check it out to see if it needs more time.  Remember, gooey cheese is a wonderful thing.

Check out the "recipe" at http://www.pillsbury.com/recipes/pepperoni-pizza-wraps/4079d215-1df5-4194-916e-8d41409c5293/. Don't panic when you see something about putting the tortilla in the oven.  We aren't that advanced yet.  In small print, under the "recipe," you will see directions for microwaving. 

I'm using quotation marks and if we were talking in person I would have been doing that annoying thing with my hands to make quotation marks in the air when I said "recipe."  My point is, this isn't really a recipe.  This is just throwing some of your favorite ingredients on a tortilla.  A big part of cooking is just going for it.  You've got a tortilla and some left over stuff and you throw it together and heat it in the microwave and you're cooking! 

We'll take it slowly, but soon, you will be ready to have a formal, sit down dinner for your friends.

Stick with me.

PIZZA SANDWICHES

We're starting with this one for two reasons...one, it's simple and two, my oldest son's eyes rolled back in his head when he ate it.  In his words, "Anything dipped in pizza sauce has to be good."  I'm not sure he would feel that way about brussels sprouts, but point taken.

Here's what we need:

Italian bread
Sliced mozzarella cheese
Tomato slices
Grated Parmesan cheese
Garlic salt
Pepperoni slices
Butter
Pizza sauce



Now we go to Kroger to find these items.  What?  Too basic for you, sons?  O.K., I'll sit in the car while you shop.  I'll just listen to some music while you're gone...maybe the oldies station....(cell phone rings)  "Yes, son?  pepperoni?  It's at the end of the aisle by frozen foods."   Scoobie doobie doo....(cell phone rings)  "Yes, son?  Go to the chips aisle....can I come in now?"

Let's start at the beginning.

You can find the produce, I'm sure.  You'll see piles of apples and bananas.  Find the tomatoes and pick a nice big one that is slightly soft which means it is ripe.  These tomatoes were $1.99 a pound so one big tomato could cost $1, but I don't make the highway robbery rules here.  You don't have to weigh it...just take one of those little plastic bags and put it in there.

This recipe calls for Italian bread.  You could use that awful white bread you already bought, the stuff I always told you not to buy, cause it's like eating paste although the paste is better for you, and this Italian bread probably isn't much better, but....let's just get this over with.  You could buy the expensive fancy Italian bread in the bakery section and it will taste heavenly if you do, but it will set you back about $2.99 a loaf.  And since you only make $8.50 an hour, this doesn't seem wise.  This Italian bread is hidden right in there with the other mass produced loaves of bread.  It was on sale for $1.49.

Now you need a small jar of pizza sauce.  It's hidden in the spaghetti aisle, right above the Boboli pizza crusts which are truly awful, by the way.  Buy two jars if you like.  The Kroger brand was on sale for $.89 and you can always use pizza sauce.

Garlic salt is in that aisle with spices, sugar, baking stuff like flour and sugar.  The Kroger brand was on sale for $1 and this jar will last forever.  We will use it again, I promise.

Now we're in the dairy section looking for sliced mozzarella.  You could buy a big hunk for $5.99 and slice it yourself, which is a possible danger, or just opt for the already sliced variety which was on sale for $1.79.  You can get 4 or 5 sandwiches out of this.

Moving down the dairy aisle, we're going to buy some butter.  Don't get those tubs or margarine.  Get the real butter in those rectangular boxes that have 4 sticks in them.  There's nothing better than the real thing and your arteries aren't going to clog unless you're eating the sticks like a Popsicle.  The Kroger salted butter was $3.29 and the value butter was $2.98.

The grated Parmesan is hiding.  It's over by the chips, above the cheese whiz and Velveeta and next to the popcorn.  The Kroger brand was $2.99.  Get some popcorn while you're there and use it as a tasty topping.


I took a picture of the pepperoni and it disappeared, but it is usually hiding at the end of the frozen food aisle.  It's hanging there in little packages with summer sausage down below.  I am sure there are no redeeming qualities to pepperoni, but this is a pizza sandwich, so who am I to judge?  You'll have tons left over but I don't think it ever spoils.  You do keep it in the refrigerator after you open it, you know.

                                                      Now we're ready to construct and cook.

We need a frying pan, this one is Teflon coated, a knife to cut the tomato, a cutting board, a spatula and a little glass dish to heat the pizza sauce in.

Here's the skilled part.  Wash off the tomato and then cut out the stem area with a sharp knife.  Then, you just slice the tomato in rather thin slices for your sandwich.  I find that a knife with serrated edges works the best on tomatoes, but just do the best you can.  It's not about beauty after all.  Just hack it up so that you can put it on your sandwich.

See?  Sliced and ready to go.  No blood, no fingers....another successful day in the kitchen.  I have ended up in the emergency room after a cooking frenzy, but that's a story for another day.





Now it's time to build our sandwich.  We'll be licking pizza sauce off our elbows in about 5 minutes.  I promise.
First, lay down two pieces of the bread.
Top each with a slice of mozzarella.
Top each with a tomato slice.
Sprinkle Parmesan on on each (Just shake it!  There's no right amount!)
Sprinkle each stack with garlic salt.
Finally, stack some pepperoni on there...5, 6, 20 slices, I don't care. Put another piece of mozzarella on each one and top with a slice of bread.  It hath been built.  Now we cook.

We're not "spreading" butter on the bread before we put it in the skillet.  Only sissies do that.  Just cut off a slab of butter and throw it in the pan.  Put the heat on low, melt the butter and then put your lovely creations in the pan, on top of the butter.

At this point, you can turn the heat up a little, but never more than medium.  This is a loving, slow process.

You should lift the sandwich up just a little with your spatula to see if the bread is getting toasty.  When it gets nice and brown...not smoking burnt...turn it over.  This can get tricky, so have the spatula in one hand and you can use your other hand to kind of hold on to it a little.  Develop your own style.

You don't want the heat too high because you want the cheese to melt and if the heat is high, the bread gets toasted too fast and the cheese is still solid and....get the idea?  Oh yes, you can always add more butter when you flip the sandwich if you want.  Just move your sandwiches around until they soap up so more of it.

If you're happy with the state of your sandwiches, turn off the heat and dump the pizza sauce in your dish and microwave it for 90 seconds.  Listen up, cause this is an important life lesson.  Don't microwave pizza sauce without a top on it.  Don't microwave any liquid without a top on it.  I know you've done it because I've seen your microwaves.  They are encrusted with mystery liquids....layers of them....like you didn't learn the first, second or 20th time that liquids explode and fly all over the inside of the microwave and they never get cleaned....enough preaching.

So here you go!  Toasty, gooey, yummy pizza sandwiches that you can dip into the pizza sauce until you are bloated and unable to move from your couch...when you can afford one, that is.


Oh yes.  Make your mother happy and throw some grapes or carrots on this plate.  Maybe both.  Let me live in a fantasy world that you are eating balanced meals.  Sigh.